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Dr Lucinda-Jane Rothschild, PhD: The Social Mixologist

Before the days of unisex cologne and Botox, the average sophisticated female would know a salad fork from a Georg Jensen candelabra. In modern times, these things are not so clear.

Send your questions on etiquette to social mixologist Dr Lucinda-Jane Rothschild. Read Dr Rothschild's biography.

Teaching children manners: how and when to start?

16/05/2012 12:59:00 PM, Dr Lucinda Rothschild Prev Next

Question:

My friend constantly criticises my parenting and says I have raised a bunch of wild heathens. She insists I teach my children to say "please" and "thank you" — but my children are just 18 months and two years old and can barely say "boo". Should children this age be reprimanded and should I take her criticism to heart? It's driving a wedge between us.

Answer:

My great aunt Frieda from Tanzania wore pearls and cashmere. She would call in for tea while I practised my electric guitar in a style that was overtly punk rock. On these occasions she would sit in the kitchen and tell my mother quite audibly that she was rearing a herd of wildebeests (I was an only child).

My mother responded by encouraging me to "dress" for Aunt Frieda's visits. This meant ripped fish net stockings, kohl eye liner and a safety pin through my left nostril (the pin was French and an antique). I was 12 years old.

It became my passionate hobby to antagonise Aunt Frieda. At her funeral I wore a latex one piece just to prove I was still impervious to her criticism — by then I was 28. But the truth is quite different; I never forgot the pain caused by her criticism nor the sadness that followed each time she recounted my failings.

I'm relaying this to you now because I think children need to be protected from people like your friend. If you let her criticise your children and they hear her, you are setting them up for a lifetime of negative messaging — we don't easily forget the criticisms made of us when young.

Teach your children to say please and thank you by all means — but be prepared for some lag between teaching and the pickup (I know plenty of grown-ups who still haven't learned). And while your children will grow to explore the vast realms of etiquette at the appropriate time, I believe your friend has missed the boat.

Dr Lucinda is an advice column satire. If you need advice from a doctor of mixology, email your problems to: drlucindajane@ninemsn.com.au. We cannot guarantee the advice will be useful, but it will be humorous. Dr Lucinda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

User comments
Hi. I have people in my life that make comments about my children and the the way I raise them. And I do agree that children need to say please and thankyou, but to expect a child that can't say more than maybe mum and dad to use manners is ridiculous. My youngest is 2 and half years old and is able to say please and thanks but that is because she also has the advantage of having older siblings to help her learn. I am curious about whether your friend has childen of her own though, if she doesn't and hasn't worked with them, then she should keep her thoughts to herself . How we raise our children is up to us and as a parent you will always recieve criricism about something you are or arent doing right, whether it comes from family, friends, schools or a complete stranger. If it helps, I started teaching my children when they were around three, could talk and could say yes and no but i think that along as they can say it before they start kinder, then that is all that matters.
I doubt anyone who could reason would expect children under 4 to have the manners and poise of an adult. That being said, attitudes and mannerisms come out quickly as children develop. Many criticisms of children and their behaviour are called into question as a subtle jibe at their parents. Manners are important, however. It can be the difference between meeting the person of your dreams, getting the job you always wanted and surrounding yourself with folks who will love you and value you. It's an ever-changing world out there, and each generation brings new social order. Manners can be seen as an old-fashioned ideal today, but I think maturity and age bring the realisation to people just how important it can be. While your mother used you to defend herself (which I find quite disgusting) it ended up hurting you more in the long run. Manners breed respect and understanding.
Sorry the answer is horrible... As a mother, I started with things like 'Ta' and if said would be rewarding with an excited 'good boy'... children respond very well to this. My children are now 8 and 5, both are polite, do not call adults by first names (Yes I am old fashioned this way) and will never open anything in a supermarket. Yes it is true these critical people exist, however do not base what you teach children off others. Remember as a parent you role is to provide skills for life, manners can assist children to make good choices as well. Example, Being offered a lift or lolly from a stranger... no thank-you sir ma'am. This gives time for the child to know if I do not know this person name then I need to speak with mum or dad. I use four levels. Aunty or Uncle for close trusted friends... Miss, Mrs, Mr and a first name for friends... Miss, Mrs, Mr and a surname for acquaintances... and Sir Ma'am for those not known. Creates boundaries and respect.
What a stupid answer to this pathetic question. the persons story of recieveing negative crtisism has NOTHING to do with using your pleases and thankyous. ri-diculous.
If you were disrespectful enough to wear something inappropriate to her funeral, she was right about your upbringing. If you had proper manners you would either not have gone to the funeral or would have dressed more respectfully, for the sake of her other relatives at the very least.. To the person who asked the question, take note. If you want your children to grow up performing downright rude actions like the author, follow the example of her mother, otherwise teach and encourage your children to have proper manners to everyone from day one and it will become part of their nature - something to be proud of.
What parent in their right mind would not want their children to have manners and be polite as soon as possible. I wouldn't go as far as saying they should be reprimanded for not saying it but encouraged more when they do. Children respond to all forms of comments and from anyone. I would try not to allow your child to be around such negativity. My wife and I have raised 5 children with the youngest still a tender age of 7. All were taught to say please and thankyou as soon they were able to speak. Ta for thank you was the best one can hope for for quite a while and please is often a little slower to pickup but as long as they have some sort of response that indicates that is what they are trying to say it is ok. Good friends will let you know when you are doing good and good friends will also let you know when you are doing wrong but good friends will also not harp on anything. Go with your heart and you should be fine. Your the parent and you know your own children.
This is only an extreme case and extreme cases should not be used as a rule to go by. What a child learns at the earliest age stays with them for life, and toddler age is indeed the very time to start teaching manners and appropriate social behaviour. When a plant shoot is tender is when it can be encouraged to 'grow the right way' - when it becomes a branch it can only be broken! Discipline and the teaching of appropriate respect for others, respectful social behaviour around others, and courtesy to others, should be taught from toddler age.
she is not a friend, do what you feel is right and when it is, dont take criticism from her or anyone about you babies, more power to you

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