How to leave the party early, gracefully

I have a friend who always leaves a party abruptly without saying goodbye. She will silently disappear and leave us scratching our heads, wondering if we've offended her — yet she never misses the next occasion. We can only assume she doesn't know how to say goodbye. How should we handle her — can you suggest a remedy?

Dear slighted,

This one's fairly simple; your friend has a double life — and as all people with double lives know, it can occasionally interfere with party protocol.

It could be for example that your friend works for ASIO — or maybe even a novelty dungeon that caters to late night entertainment. Both pay rather well and provide ample excitement (quite a bit more than an evening spent sipping chardonnay at your place, I would wager).

How do I know this? Because most people actually know how to say thank you and good night. That your friend does not perform these rather obvious social duties does not imply she is rude or in need of a "remedy" — it does imply she has other business on her mind.

What can you do? Instead of whinging about it, why don't you dust off an old trench coat and hat and form a surveillance team to follow after her one evening? I'll bet you'll find her engaging in an activity you never even imagined.

Dr Lucinda is an advice column satire. If you need advice from a doctor of mixology, email your problems to: drlucindajane@ninemsn.com.au. We cannot guarantee the advice will be useful, but it will be humorous. Dr Lucinda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Now read: How to split the dinner bill.