Dealing with rude in-laws

Dear Dr Lucinda-Jane,

I spent all Christmas day preparing a traditional dinner for 30 people (and striving to keep it succulent due to a late arrival). Once seated, I realised I’d forgotten to make gravy so dashed back to the kitchen excusing myself for just three minutes. On my return, all had started (some nearly finished!). No-one thought to wait for me — the daughter-in-law and cook! It’s always been this way — anyone who marries into the family is not as good as those born of it. How should I deal with this moving forward?

Second best

Dear Second best,

My great Aunt Frieda from Tanzania had 14 husbands (she found all her in-laws intolerable and divorced frequently). She used to say to beware a person with manners — particularly a person with very fine manners because manners aren’t real. Her idea was that you could never be too sure of the character of someone with excellent manners — because manners are taught and not innate — and that innate character is the thing you really want to know and trust.

Therefore, I would say that you have a sort of advantage in that you have clear visibility to the true character of your in-laws (unfortunately for you, it is not good character). However — it is far better to know this upfront than to be fooled by a clan of good mannered back stabbers who will shower you with praise only to throw the knives as soon as your back is turned. Small mercies.

You ask me how to deal with this in future — my advice is curt. You must either decide if you can tolerate it, that is: can you live comfortably in the knowledge that you will forever be considered second rate? If so, do nothing and enjoy being the bigger person. If not, consider making an exit strategy of sorts. You don’t have to leave your marriage, but you certainly you could refuse any further contact with your in-laws. It happens all the time.

Aunt Frieda also used to say that good manners sometimes mean simply putting up with other people’s bad manners. How well-mannered are you?

Do you need advice from a doctor of mixology?

Email your problems to: drlucindajane@ninemsn.com.au. We cannot guarantee the advice will be useful, but it will be humorous. Dr Lucinda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.